17 July 2000 ~ the day i chose to die ...

there was a time, when i decided .... i was through with life ... the joy and the sorrow, the pleasure and the pain, the light and the dark ...as you probably guessed, i failed at this endeavor also ...

i did NOT make the decision without a lot of thought ... in '93-'94, i was diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis ... then on 04 March 1999 i was injured, my right hip was forever weakened... the sciatic nerve was irreversibly scarred causing pain that is present to this day, which is why i use a canadian-crutch and a service animal. ... never sure when my leg will give out and i hit the ground ... searing pain followed by complete loss of the right leg ... not a feeling one ever becomes accustomed to no matter how many times a day i kiss dirt.

i was taking oxycontin for the pain of RA and the sciatic nerve .... my dosage was not working anymore, and i saw no reason to continue living... i was a physical, financial, and emotional drain on my family and i knew they would be better off if i was no longer in this existence ...

on 17 July 2000 at 15:00 CDST i took a bottle of wine and a bottle of muscle relaxers and lay down ...

i have NEVER known such peace as i did that day, knowing that it was over .... or so i thought, Tom found me, took me to the ER and i spent a few days there followed by a week in "lock-down" in the nut-ward at St Dominics in Jackson.... when they put me with gen pop, .... sheeeezzzz ...

there i learned:
1) most psychiatrists haven't a clue about life;
2) the psych aides know even less;
3) people, there are some fuktarded NUTJOBS on this planet ... and most are doing it just to get a government check.

i told the doc's what they wanted to hear, and got out after a week.

but it took 4.5 years before i knew i was over the oxy addiction and past the depression ... not easy on anyone ... especially my family ... once again, i was hurting the one's i was trying to spare ...

Why me Lord, what have I ever done
To deserve even one
Of the pleasures I've known?
Tell me Lord, what did I ever do
That was worth lovin' you
Or the kindness you've shown?
Lord help me Jesus,
I've wasted it so
Help me Jesus I know what I am
But now that I know that
I've needed you so Help me Jesus,
my soul's in your hand.

Try me Lord,
if you think there's a way
I can try to repay
All I've taken from you.
Maybe Lord,
I can show someone else
What I've been through myself
On my way back to you.

words ~Kris Kristofferson