how are you feeling today?

an innocent question .... one that starts many conversations ... but one that i dread hearing .... how am i feeling?
which begs the questions --- are you sure you really want to know? could you change how i feel if i told you the truth? would you want to? if i told you would you turn and run? would my description make you pity me? i don't want your pity, i want the pain to stop ... not all of it, that would be impossible ... just the part that makes simple activities feel as though a burning ember is being held to my body...just the pain that feels like my bones are on fire and the meat is falling off in chunks, my brain is ready to implode with the signals from different body parts that don't want to deal with this existence of pain and misery .... but no one wants to hear what i really feel, walking around from one place to another ... so i smile and say, "as well as can be expected."

and then i hear, "well, that's good to hear, you are handling everything so well."

why? because i don't just sit and cry? ... because i won't end this existence? ... because i promised i would not "leave before my time?"

why is it that some people feel more pain than others? not just physical --- all forms of pain --- how can some people shut off the emotional pain? what is the secret to not caring? and where do i sign up?

icarus ©Nicholas Ainley 2003-2009




i looked down ... it was a long drop ... everyone was watching me, then looking to the water gurgling below ... my friends, chums, school mates, smokin' buds ... i was always the one that would try it first ... "it" being absolutely anything ...
so here we are ... a new bridge, new to us anyway ... and no one from our group had jumped ... i had swam the stream ... checking for stumps and logs ... didn't want to break my neck ... yeah, i would try anything, but i was not an idiot ... there was one stump that was about 4 feet under the surface and three feet from my right ... and a few gators about 40 feet upstream ... our noise only made them look ... the time had come to jump or get off the rail ... i looked left, then right, and did a cannon ball off the rickety bridge ... the rush of air -- against my skin and in my ears ... then the swooosh of water surrounding me ... deeper i went ... touching the bottom of the creek ... feeling the mud to my calves ... taking my time returning to the surface ... down here, there are no problems ... no alcoholic mother (making passes at my class mates ... and then following up on the deal)to contend with ... no fears, no tears ... just the coolness of the water surrounding me ... protecting me from pain ... and that is where i made my choice on what the existence after this one is like ... this is what i want it to be like ... nothing and everything at the same time ... i know it's all around and i can greet it or ignore it ... i wish this existence were like that ... greet it, ignore it ... but i keep getting slapped in the face with everyone else's problems ... and i'm tired ... tired of dealing with choices that hurt those i love ...

to jump or not?!? if only it were that simple....

image credit




once again, my son-in-law has started using ... he'll stay clean for a while ... then back to the crack ... only this time ... i believe it's also heroin ...

we've been dealing with jared and his problem for almost 4 years ... it seems so much longer ... but val, our daughter, met him in november of 2005 ... and they married in april of 2007, the height of his addiction, until now ... (she honestly felt her love could save him)

i am no stranger to addiction ... mom and bio-dad are both recovering alcoholics ... each at their worst during my teen years. my brother, that is two years younger than i is also a recovering addict .... alcohol and drugs ... and i am 8.5 years without oxycontin (prescribed for pain due to rheumatoid arthritis) ... which put me in the e.r. and rehab lock-down for suicide.

jared is neither strong enough to finish the job nor does he have the will power to stay away from the drugs .... and all this time i watch my daughter, who is 5 months pregnant with their second child, waste away emotionally... and there is nothing i can do to save her, or jared ... i have learned -- the only one i can save, is myself ... and i have never been very good at that .... i feel like i'm smothering in family some days ... that i need to get lost in the universe, but there is nowhere to go... everywhere i look, there is someone watching me, waiting to see when i break ... waiting for me to leave ....

then waiting to pull me back ...