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i never realized just how close i had come to a complete meltdown .... normally i can shrug off most any problem ... these last few months have shown me a weaker side to myself ... one with which i am not comfortable.

i had thought that i had a grip on the added stress of the last 18 months ... well more like 39 months ...just the last 18 have been particularly rough ... i could easily have gone back to the harder drugs to cope ... and that scared the hell out of me ... i never want to enter that abyss again ... i know -- this time -- i won't find my way out ...

how do we let our soul slide back ? back to that dark place ? that place that took all the willpower and soul to climb out of? how did i almost return there without realizing it?

if i had not gotten away from my life when i did ... i know -- i know that i would be using again ... how could i not see the danger? how could no one around me not see how far i had slipped? how close i was?