how are you feeling today?

an innocent question .... one that starts many conversations ... but one that i dread hearing .... how am i feeling?
which begs the questions --- are you sure you really want to know? could you change how i feel if i told you the truth? would you want to? if i told you would you turn and run? would my description make you pity me? i don't want your pity, i want the pain to stop ... not all of it, that would be impossible ... just the part that makes simple activities feel as though a burning ember is being held to my body...just the pain that feels like my bones are on fire and the meat is falling off in chunks, my brain is ready to implode with the signals from different body parts that don't want to deal with this existence of pain and misery .... but no one wants to hear what i really feel, walking around from one place to another ... so i smile and say, "as well as can be expected."

and then i hear, "well, that's good to hear, you are handling everything so well."

why? because i don't just sit and cry? ... because i won't end this existence? ... because i promised i would not "leave before my time?"

why is it that some people feel more pain than others? not just physical --- all forms of pain --- how can some people shut off the emotional pain? what is the secret to not caring? and where do i sign up?

icarus ©Nicholas Ainley 2003-2009