snOMG, or, no i will NOT go sledding with you!

i have an aversion to massive quantities of snow ... i believe it all stems back to a sledding mishap i had as a child ... we lived at ft. bragg, north carolina for most of my childhood ... one day after a big snowfall (i believe it was 1970 and i was 8 years old) my friends and i were sledding ... mom called us in to warm up and i was to be the first on the sled when we came back outside ... the snow had iced over and i flew down the hill ... jumped the ramp ... and went to turn the sled ... the rudder was frozen ... couldn't turn ... i froze ... and didn't roll off the sled .... luckily ... a huge oak tree kept me from sliding further down the hill and flying across the pond ... it wasn't completely frozen ... the pond ... anyway ... i hit the oak head on ... literally, face to the bark .... thanks to the oak tree ... my face is lopsided ... my tooth is chipped ... but, i didn't get wet. and i am not tempted to sled anymore ... at least not in mississippi ....

evidence ... note the lop-sided nose (leaning to the left) and the chipped tooth on the right front.... .. the scars on my forehead (right between the brows) aren't as bad as they once were ... yep, i kissed a tree, and did NOT like it...

granny's scolding -- you're busted look

me

scars and lopsided face

chipped tooth

result of a disastrous sled outing. frozen rudder

Posted via Pixelpipe.

intervention for internet - 2008 march

weeeelll, it happened....my family has officially gone off the deep end.....

a few evenings ago valorie, our daughter-age 25, walked out on the porch where i was sitting with my laptop and took it from me; following her was my husband, tom, and our son ty,27, along with my 5 year old grandson, gavin.
they all sat down and looked at me....i removed my glasses and blinked back at them ... it was dark and i'd been staring at the computer screen for a bit...

"mom," began ty, "this is an intervention." i immediately reached for my budlight and hugged it to my chest...if they thought i was going to let go of my beer, weeeelll, they were sadly mistaken. tom stopped me, "no honey, it's not the beer." whew, what a relief and i lunged for my djarum's and lighter........ val smiled and said, "you can keep your djarum's also, that's not the problem, either." i bolted out of my rocker and headed for the back door to go inside and grab my meds....i'll be damn if they were taking my ultram ... and paxil and allegra and and celebrex and zanaflex.....oxycontin i gave up on my own...but dammit, taking my ultram is just tooooooo much....this is where i draw the line..............

"MEMA!!!!," gavin shouted as i knocked him to the floor...."you're spending too much time on the computer!!"

oooooohhhhh, so that's the reason for the intervention; my *addiction* to su bothers them ,... hmmmmmm. before i *found* su in december 2007, i was constantly told, "i hear ya mom", "okay, mema, i hear ya," "it's alright honey, i heard ya the first time."

AND NOW, they are telling me i don't TALK TO THEM ENOUGH.......... geeeeezzzz, damn if i do, damn if i don't ; i bet they'd also complain if i tied 'em up and beat 'em with a new rope....

25 jul 2008:
i showed them , i went a whole week without stumbling more than 30 minutes a day [okay wasn't voluntary] .... because my dsl was messed up and i had to go to the library to use internet ... so maybe it wasn't voluntary, but it was a feat of super-human strength and endurance ... by the time i got back online at the house .... the whole family was much happier that i was on the pc once again.

science, faith, one

humans, such a strange lot .... seeking answers, looking for reasons, some of us, just looking for excuses .... why do i exist? where do i go now? how do i know this is the right choice? where will i go ... when it all ends?

anger?
love?
lust?
madness?
chaos?
fear?
order?

we seek answers, and call it science... we seek love, and call it chaos ... we answer lust, only to find madness and fear ....for in seeking solutions .... we must make one assumption ... one basis of belief ... that "one" exists .... in the mathematical sense ... in the spiritual sense .... whether you chose religion, faith, science ... or none of the above ... it all comes down to the theory of "one" and of existence ...

what is the next step?
looking to religion?
looking to science?
looking to faith?

no human can give the answer ... no written text, or story told, is untainted by humanities emotions , humans seeking absolution, seeking reasons that will make the decisions okay, taking blame out of human hands and placing it on another--

"i was forced to react this way because ... yadayadayada."

i make choices, i live with the consequence ... it's called life.

i was taught excuses are statements that i make up, & quite often truly believe, to cover the fact that i fucked up ... royally at times...

while reasons ... those are the basis on which i form choices ... good or bad, they are mine, i own them completely .... yes, some of my actions are a direct result of the situation i find myself in, and how other humans react to my choices, but it all comes down to the choices i made to reach that crossroad .... and no one is to responsible for my actions, no one but ME.


do you exist? are you still just waiting for the next big thing to move you along this path?

bikini-clad empress or.. my decision to partake in world domination

this began 28 march of 2008 it all started easily enough ---my decision to take over the world ...starting with this sweetie's country ... i stumbled across a fellow su'er and saw this in his profile:
"90 yr old from australia---Member since Aug 22, 2005 America: If I said you had a beautiful body would you promise not to invade my country?"

always one to seek a compliment....for i was created to be adored...i sent a message: okay i won't invade but i demand my compliment and you are very well preserved..

my fellow su'er sent:
Damn you have a beautiful body! such delightful honesty makes me blush....me thinks i have a *new crush*
(Is that enough? Will that do? Please don't invade me.)
Yes, I sure am well preserved. ON the other hand I may be lying yeah, i think he's lying about the *well-preserved* cause botox-docs would be alllllll over the down-under land

i wrote back:
but you seem like invading would be fun!!!
i have noticed from your pages you like dem nekkid pictures...so here is one for you....enjoy,

cheers,
michelle
lucky monkey
he: Yeah, that's not really my kind of nekkid picture :) lying Also, no we are not fun to invade. Not fun at all. These are not the droids you are looking for. now here is where i know he is lying again , when i invade there are no guns, bondage, or incarceration, unless you beg.....really well........i demand perfection when you beg..................

me: oohhhh well, cross that one off [the invading] my list of things to do ;)
cheers,
michelle

he: Phew. Close call. (The invading). once again lying.....i know he wants to be subjugated.....PS You'll be pleased to know that you are only the second woman to send me nekkid photos. No, wait, third.
me:
just don't understand the world not wanting the u.s. to invade their country....see how well it worked out for iraq? we know the world wants to be just like us...arrogant,ignorant,overweight,useless [and that's just the vowels-oh wait forgot e....]evangelical can't foget the fundies.....whew, that was close if i had forgotten how godfearing we were i would be run out on a plank and sent to canada--heard that's a nice place.cheers, michelle


ps. sorry i didn't understand your *type* ; ) of nekkid picture...and until su i really didn't realize how many people felt the need for photos to get off....all i ever needed was music and eeeeemmmmmmaaagggggiiiinnnnashuuuunnnn...okay if ya don't watch a lot of spongebob that's probably lost on ya. tata


he:
lol Wow, I think I am all turned around on the whole invasion issue. How could I not have seen the benefits? I have been so blind.
Come on down, America. more than happy to We will leave the lights on for you. Hang on a sec while we bend over.
Oh, I realize why you covet Australia so much - it is an enormous country with a small population. Plenty of secluded places to dig great big holes. You know, if, for example, you wished to dispose of a whole swag of evangelicals. Or lawyers. Or GWB.
Unfortunately I have no imagination. If you need proof of this, may I please refer you to
{--he listed his website, witholding information for security purposes....he will be my under-lord when i invade--don't want his fellow country men/women/stuff to know his identity just yet}

part 3

oh, and i think i recall that you have child(ren) hmmm...here is a bit of parenting advice my great-grandmother gave me ......it'll be like 29 years ago this fall....hope it helps, since you are a computer guru and might need help with parenting skill until i arrive for my ascension to the title of her-holy-high-priestess-goddess-on-earth-that-has-blessed-the-mere-universe-with-her-royal-presence when the weather warms up in your country ..... i am a vast ocean of knowledge which i am happy to share....it makes my family happy, the more i type the less i talk...
sincerely,
her-holy-high-priestess-goddess-on-earth-that-has-blessed-the-mere-universe-with-her-royal-presence but you can call me bitch.....
ps all this ruling-the-earth business has caused a mental-pause....i didn't send the link

advice on *raising children*

he :
23. That sounds pretty cold.

Anyway, I am pleased to have muddied the waters. ;)

I enjoyed your parenting advice. Shall endeavour to avoid swatting flies high up while wearing a low cut blouse.

Isn't it amazing how well the words "low" and "cut" go together. Low. Cut. Low cut. Excellent.

PS: I don't think I will feel comfortable calling you "bitch".
PS Do you post all of your conversations?

me:
only those that i find very funny and rated g at best pg....some of my conversations would not be fit for *polite* company.....was going to ask if it was okay....buuuuttt, the old adage...it's easier to ask forgiveness than permission, is my motto....when it comes to most everything .... ;) i did try to remove any *names* to protect the sender [uuuhhh, that's means you] ;) hope ya don't mind......
cheers,
michelle
ps...give it time ... seems the name bitch just rooooolllls off the tongue of those who know me best....it's just a dimunitave of " i love you being-in-total-control-honey"....i doooo soooooo luv control, unless i'm tied down....then i'm really happy with that too..... but it's also shortened form of "you damn bitch how in the hell did you think you were going to get away with that!!!! have you lost your f'king mind?"

ps: just read this statement "Isn't it amazing how well the words "low" and "cut" go together. Low. Cut. Low cut. Excellent." i'm easily destracted......but i found it's okay old age
...where was i oooooo yeah, low-cut.....kinda-like well-hung....just rrrrrroolllls of the tongue ;)
now do you understand how easy my decision was to take over the world?...starting with australia

17 July 2000 ~ the day i chose to die ...

there was a time, when i decided .... i was through with life ... the joy and the sorrow, the pleasure and the pain, the light and the dark ...as you probably guessed, i failed at this endeavor also ...

i did NOT make the decision without a lot of thought ... in '93-'94, i was diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis ... then on 04 March 1999 i was injured, my right hip was forever weakened... the sciatic nerve was irreversibly scarred causing pain that is present to this day, which is why i use a canadian-crutch and a service animal. ... never sure when my leg will give out and i hit the ground ... searing pain followed by complete loss of the right leg ... not a feeling one ever becomes accustomed to no matter how many times a day i kiss dirt.

i was taking oxycontin for the pain of RA and the sciatic nerve .... my dosage was not working anymore, and i saw no reason to continue living... i was a physical, financial, and emotional drain on my family and i knew they would be better off if i was no longer in this existence ...

on 17 July 2000 at 15:00 CDST i took a bottle of wine and a bottle of muscle relaxers and lay down ...

i have NEVER known such peace as i did that day, knowing that it was over .... or so i thought, Tom found me, took me to the ER and i spent a few days there followed by a week in "lock-down" in the nut-ward at St Dominics in Jackson.... when they put me with gen pop, .... sheeeezzzz ...

there i learned:
1) most psychiatrists haven't a clue about life;
2) the psych aides know even less;
3) people, there are some fuktarded NUTJOBS on this planet ... and most are doing it just to get a government check.

i told the doc's what they wanted to hear, and got out after a week.

but it took 4.5 years before i knew i was over the oxy addiction and past the depression ... not easy on anyone ... especially my family ... once again, i was hurting the one's i was trying to spare ...

Why me Lord, what have I ever done
To deserve even one
Of the pleasures I've known?
Tell me Lord, what did I ever do
That was worth lovin' you
Or the kindness you've shown?
Lord help me Jesus,
I've wasted it so
Help me Jesus I know what I am

But now that I know that
I've needed you so Help me Jesus,
my soul's in your hand.

Try me Lord,
if you think there's a way
I can try to repay
All I've taken from you.
Maybe Lord,
I can show someone else
What I've been through myself
On my way back to you.

words ~Kris Kristofferson

lazy sunday

i adore days like these, house is empty...light rain falling... just me & a good book (& ranger, ocassionally Tom.)

*le sigh*




yes, that is a "granny" house dress, i'm old & have earned the RIGHT to wear one all day.


-- it's summer, no time for the pc/laptop -- so using the iphone

Easter 2009

on the bench, Jaxon & Valorie, Gavin on the tricycle ...
standing, left to right, Ty & wife Tiffany, me, & Tom

why i will be banned from mingling with gen pop

this lil encounter happened on 29 March 2009 ::

so, went to get cigarettes yesterday ... pulled into a parking space and went in -- got my ciggies and walked out ... there were 3 different vehicles that did not bother parking legally (though the spaces nearest the mart were open) but instead pulled in at various angles blocking me in where i was parked LEGALLY ...

as i was trying to back out a woman of about 60 who was standing in the parking lot talking to a man of about 40yo asked if she should move her car. i said "why bother, obviously you are too lazy, stupid, and pathetic to park correctly in the first place as are the other two morons that you are standing there talking too"

one of the men shouted "FUCK YOU, BITCH" KISS MY ASS!!" ... YOU CAN’T TALK TO MY MOTHER LIKE THAT !!"

to which i replied ..."you'd never get the chance, no i won't, and that explains you're stupidity."

he started walking toward the truck, so i pulled BACK into my parking space and as i was opening the door got my phone and began dialing the police ...

"THAT'S ALL YOU GOOD FOR BITCH --- CALL THE POLICE!!!"

i laughed and told Ranger to come on .... he had remained in the truck while i went into the tobacco mart ...


Ranger jumped out of the truck and looked at the man .... who - to have been so angry and aggressive one moment ago- moved pretty day'mn fast away from me and back to his vehicle .... as his momma and the other guy were running to their respective forms of transportation ... with the momma screaming ..."i got sick grandbabies in the car --- that's why i parked in the way!!!"

one day i will get my butt kicked ... well, probably shot ... no one will come close enuf to hit me ... but i will never learn ...

... it was hilarious ... and i was left standing in the parking lot by myself laughing like a maniacal fool ... with a bunch of shop-keepers staring at me from the store-fronts ... guess they (shop-keeps) were wondering if it was safe to come out.... AND they (fuktards) all had handicap tags and/or placards hanging from their rear view window ... but it must NOT have been a mobility handicap ... cuz the fuktards moved WAY too fast for that to be the case.


.

heaven is in your mind

i've walked in & out of life, for so many years... trying to always do the "right thing" for others... i've forgotten what it's like to simply take what i need for me.

that supremely selfish time of teendom was denied to me, by so many outside forces that i gave up ever hoping to achieve the purely selfish act of looking out for number one. my wants, my needs, my desires.

the celebration of my nation's Independence Day has brought with it a personal epiphany.

i will take heaven when & where it is offered, my time has come.



You ride on the swing in and out of the bars
Capturing moments of life in a jar
Playing with children, acting as stars
Guiding your vision to heaven and heaven is in your mind
Take extra care not to lose what you feel
The apple you're eating is simple and real
Water the flowers that grow at your heel
Guiding your vision to heaven and heaven is in your mind

(Steve Winwood/Jim Capaldi/Chris Wood)

back home

i never realized just how close i had come to a complete meltdown .... normally i can shrug off most any problem ... these last few months have shown me a weaker side to myself ... one with which i am not comfortable.

i had thought that i had a grip on the added stress of the last 18 months ... well more like 39 months ...just the last 18 have been particularly rough ... i could easily have gone back to the harder drugs to cope ... and that scared the hell out of me ... i never want to enter that abyss again ... i know -- this time -- i won't find my way out ...

how do we let our soul slide back ? back to that dark place ? that place that took all the willpower and soul to climb out of? how did i almost return there without realizing it?

if i had not gotten away from my life when i did ... i know -- i know that i would be using again ... how could i not see the danger? how could no one around me not see how far i had slipped? how close i was?

jared

.



once again, my son-in-law has started using ... he'll stay clean for a while ... then back to the crack ... only this time ... i believe it's also heroin ...

we've been dealing with jared and his problem for almost 4 years ... it seems so much longer ... but val, our daughter, met him in november of 2005 ... and they married in april of 2007, the height of his addiction, until now ... (she honestly felt her love could save him)

i am no stranger to addiction ... mom and bio-dad are both recovering alcoholics ... each at their worst during my teen years. my brother, that is two years younger than i is also a recovering addict .... alcohol and drugs ... and i am 8.5 years without oxycontin (prescribed for pain due to rheumatoid arthritis) ... which put me in the e.r. and rehab lock-down for suicide.

jared is neither strong enough to finish the job nor does he have the will power to stay away from the drugs .... and all this time i watch my daughter, who is 5 months pregnant with their second child, waste away emotionally... and there is nothing i can do to save her, or jared ... i have learned -- the only one i can save, is myself ... and i have never been very good at that .... i feel like i'm smothering in family some days ... that i need to get lost in the universe, but there is nowhere to go... everywhere i look, there is someone watching me, waiting to see when i break ... waiting for me to leave ....

then waiting to pull me back ...







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