2009-01-26

jared

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once again, my son-in-law has started using ... he'll stay clean for a while ... then back to the crack ... only this time ... i believe it's also heroin ...

we've been dealing with jared and his problem for almost 4 years ... it seems so much longer ... but val, our daughter, met him in november of 2005 ... and they married in april of 2007, the height of his addiction, until now ... (she honestly felt her love could save him)

i am no stranger to addiction ... mom and bio-dad are both recovering alcoholics ... each at their worst during my teen years. my brother, that is two years younger than i is also a recovering addict .... alcohol and drugs ... and i am 8.5 years without oxycontin (prescribed for pain due to rheumatoid arthritis) ... which put me in the e.r. and rehab lock-down for suicide.

jared is neither strong enough to finish the job nor does he have the will power to stay away from the drugs .... and all this time i watch my daughter, who is 5 months pregnant with their second child, waste away emotionally... and there is nothing i can do to save her, or jared ... i have learned -- the only one i can save, is myself ... and i have never been very good at that .... i feel like i'm smothering in family some days ... that i need to get lost in the universe, but there is nowhere to go... everywhere i look, there is someone watching me, waiting to see when i break ... waiting for me to leave ....

then waiting to pull me back ...







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